Merciful Helpers

#1 Assemble a Support Team A few weeks after I adopted my 8-1/2-month-old daughter, Eleni, I was about to take her to the park when I suddenly burst into tears. As I glanced down at my little baby, my backpack overflowing with diapers, bills, bottles, and toys and a big bag of trash that desperately needed to be tossed — I thought to myself: How can I possibly carry all this stuff? And who\’s here to help me? Looking back now, I realize that as a first-time single mom with a new baby on board, I was clearly emotional, exhausted, and stressed. But in that moment, I was also struck with the reality of being on my own with a child to raise, bills to pay, a household to run, and only 24 hours in the day. No wonder I felt frazzled! More than four years later, I can safely say that being a single mother has at times been difficult and demanding, but it\’s also had great rewards. If you\’re a single parent — by circumstance or by choice — you\’ll no doubt hit some bumps and turns along the way. Here are six strategies that can help you weather the rough times and enhance the joy of parenting. #1 Assemble a Support Team \”Single mothers can often feel isolated and overwhelmed, so it\’s important to feel that you have some sort of community behind you,\” says Sheila Ellison, author of The Courage to Be a Single Mother (HarperSanFrancisco, 2000) and founder of SingleMomsConnect.org, a nonprofit organization that matches single mothers as support partners. Carlena Seep-Gaither, a central Minnesota single mother of two, has long relied on a solid network that includes her best friend, her parents, and other parents in her community. \”I realized early on that no matter how strong I felt, I couldn\’t do this alone,\” she says. Even now that her kids are 6 and 4, Seep-Gaither still receives an emotional (and hands-on) booster from her team when the going gets tough. \”There are days when it\’s hard to feel as if I\’m being the best mother,\” she admits. \”But then my best friend or another parent will remind me to hang in there or tell me she\’s proud of all I\’ve done for my kids, and the morale boost helps to keep me going.\” For Tracy Shaw of Southbury, Connecticut, life wouldn\’t be the same without her Wednesday night supper club (she and three other families from her daughter\’s daycare center take turns cooking meals), a reasonably priced handyman, a support group called Parents Without Partners, a circle of friends, and reliable babysitters. \”Even though my ex-husband lives nearby and spends two evenings a week with our daughter, I\’m still her primary caregiver, activities coordinator, and chauffeur,\” Shaw says. \”Without some help, I would have a tough time maintaining a balanced life.\” #2 Ask for Help It\’s sometimes hard for single moms to ask for help — or even admit they need it. (As single mom Leane Vinogradov, of Calgary, Alberta, aptly puts it: \”I\’ve often been to the point of tears and filled with guilt before I could pick up the phone.\”) But if you crave an hour or two alone so you can nap or take a break from the kids, need help around the house, or are coping with a family problem, don\’t be afraid to ask for help — and be specific about what you need, says Jane Mattes, a New York City psychotherapist and founder of Single Mothers by Choice. \”There may be people in your life who want to help you but are not sure what to do.\” If — like many single moms — you feel uncomfortable asking for help, or worry that you\’re being a burden to busy family and friends, try to trade services with other parents. Karen George of Mays Landing, New Jersey, often swaps babysitting duties with a neighbor. \”When my husband and I first separated, my son was 15 months old, and there were times when I just needed to get out of the house for an hour,\” she recalls. Knowing that she had a babysitting partner nearby \”saved me money — and my sanity,\” she says. #3 Readjust Your Priorities \”Many single moms fall into the superwoman trap, feeling that in addition to working all day, they must also keep a clean house, serve home-cooked meals, and tend to their children\’s needs,\” Mattes says. But single mothers need to be realistic about what they can — and can\’t — accomplish in a day, she adds. What\’s more, they shouldn\’t feel as though they have to overcompensate just because they\’re parenting on their own or going through a separation or divorce. \”My best advice to single moms is to lower your expectations and give yourself a break,\” says Ellison. For instance, it\’s okay to serve cereal or a fast-food meal for dinner every now and then, as long as your child\’s overall diet is healthy. And it\’s fine to have a less-than-spotless house if it gives you more time with your kids. \”Before my son was born, I was a total neat freak,\” recalls Christina McCarthy of Hoffman Estates, Illinois. \”But after the baby arrived, I realized I was driving myself crazy trying to be a mom, work full-time, and keep everything perfect at home.\” These days, McCarthy has freed up some personal time by hiring cleaning help, but mostly she\’s learning to let things slide. \”I realized that if I wanted to spend time with my son — and get any sleep — I had to rethink my priorities,\” she says. #4 Say Goodbye to Guilt No matter what your reason for being a single mother, you\’re probably well acquainted with a nagging sense of guilt — about working too much (or too little), not having enough time or money, being embattled with your ex, wanting to provide a sibling for your child, feeling that your family is \”fractured\” or less than ideal